Team Fortress-Summer Vacation!
by AlmostCannon
Summary: The team are tired of the ceasefire and the heat in 2fort, so they get Miss Pauling to allow them to go on vacation.
1. Chapter 1- The Ceasefire

Scout was bored out of his mind. He lazily threw his lucky baseball at the wall, catching it as it bounced off the dry, dusty wood wall. Excitement at 2fort was at an all time low, even more so due to the summer heat. Scout gazed down at the moat separating the two bases. He briefly considered double-jumping into the water to cool himself off, but quickly shook the thought from his mind. One look at the murky green water was enough to make him consider another way to stay cool.

He slumped into the spawn room, pulling a small ice pack from the cabinet and pressed it on his forehead. The moment he closed the door, Medic appeared behind him. "Scout, please do not vaste ze ice packs. zose are for injuries." Medic said, fanning himself with a small medical pamphlet. Scout examined Medic. He had multiple beads of sweat on his brow, his lab coat strewn over his shoulder and his gloves tucked in his pockets. He came to the conclusion that Medic was jealous that he didn't come up with the idea first. Scout grinned and tossed the pack into Medic's open hand. "Boy. It's gotta be, like, a billion degrees out dere. I wish we could just... get away from it all, y'know?" Medic just crossed his arms, examining the ice pack as it slowly melted. "Ah, herr Scout. I vish zat ve could, but ve don't have ze permission to just leave our posts." Scout sighed, and walked down to the dining hall.

The dining hall in 2fort wasn't much. It was just a duplicate of the intelligence room, but with the addition of a fridge and stove. Scout was slightly relieved from the heat as a small breeze blew on him as he walked in. "I guess Engie finally got dat damn air-conditioner ta work again." He thought to himself. He walked up to the table and pulled up a seat. Heavy was sitting at the table by the wall. He was laughing, banging his large fist on the table as Demo and Soldier tried to stop themselves from falling out of their seats, also laughing. "Oh boy, I haven't heard a tale like that one in years" Demo said, wiping a way a tear. Soldier pointed to him, adjusting his helmet with his free hand. "Oh, it gets better! I picked up the scissors, but I couldn't find the bread! And I couldn't just leave the bucket, so I..." Soldier smiled, holding his shovel in a broom like pose. Demo's already big smile widened as what he thought was confirmed. He laughed hard, attracting the attention of Engie. "I can't believe you did!" Demo bellowed, finally giving in to gravity as he fell onto the floor, holding his sides and roaring with laughter. Scout couldn't believe his team was fine with the heat. Heavy's laughter roared as Scout cleared his throat. "So, uh...guys, aren't you guys just...I don't know... bored 'cause of dis ceasefire?"

Heavy looked at Scout, his smile not fading. "Oh, little man. Little heat bother you? Heavy live in snow whole childhood. This heat feel great." Scout fidgeted. "But nothin's even happenin' around here. The BLU team's prably way too hot ta even attack or anythin'. We need ta do somethin'. We need ta...we need ta... " Engie walked in, Pyro following close behind. Pyro held a small pamphlet in his hands.

Engie was holding a small mug containing a strong smelling liquid with foam in one hand, and a rolled up newspaper in the other. His helmet was nowhere to be found. Pyro was reading the colorful pamphlet as he trotted behind. He giggled as he circled certain pictures with a bright red crayon. "What's all this now?" Engie said taking a sip from his mug. "I'm just sayin' dat we outta be out doin' somethin' fun insteada sittin' here bored in our posts. Dose BLUs are probably dyin' from dis heat." Engie put his hand on his chin, contemplating Scout's thoughts. He took another sip, passing his newspaper to Heavy, who began to read it as he took a bite from his sandwich. "You know, It has been feelin' a right bit dull down here. Hell, I wouldn't mind goin' on a lil' vacation."

Scout sat up, delighted with Engie's response. "Dat's da spirit, hard-hat." He turned to the others, holding a page of the newspaper with a mountain ridge on it. "C'mon, fellas! Tink about it. The beauty of nature, da American natural... uh... ting." Soldier sat up at hearing "American". "Hmm, yeah. Seeing the beauty this great nation has given us does seem like it could do you maggots some good. I've always wanted to see the great American whistling trees..." Scout turned to Demo. "An' look at all da breweries we could see along the way." Scout pulled up a map he fished from ththe nearby trash bin. He marked little x's with Pyro's crayon. Demo gasped when he saw a brewery titled "Nessie's bomb beer." Scout looked to Heavy, standing on the table to emphasize his point. "An' just tink. All da different sandwitches da gift shops along da way 'll have!" Heavy stood up, thinking deeply about what he'd just heard. He cheered loudly, picking up Soldier and Demo and putting them on his shoulders. As the three cheered loudly, Pyro handed his pamphlet to Scout like a child showing his mother a drawing. "What's dis?...A water park?" Pyro nodded excitedly. "Yeah, we can go here too." Medic walked in, feeling happy with the cool air. "I'm glad to see you all agree on zis, however, how are ve going to convince Fraulein Pauling to give us ze summer off?" The mercs cheering halted as they realized that they never even considered their work schedule.


	2. Chapter 2- Preparaions

The mercs never even considered what Miss Pauling would think if they just up and left their posts. They'd never been able to have time off, so this had never happened before. Their excitement diminished, their cheering became awkward murmuring. Pyro let out a loud wail as he rushed out of the room, presumably crying with his pamphlet and crayons in hand. Soldier groaned as he slumped back in his stool and Heavy looked down into his empty hands resting on the table. Scout couldn't believe he forgot about what Miss Pauling would think. "Uh...Naw, don't worry about it, guys. I'm gonna go see Miss Pauling and try ta figure dis out." As he turned around, he was startled by Spy uncloaking in the doorway. "Ey, frenchie, don't do dat." Spy merely discarded his cigarette. "So, you've managed to suck the others into another one of your idiotic plans, oui?" Scout crossed his arms and opened his mouth to reply, but not before Sniper walked in behind them. "Outta the way, spook. I've got a cold bottle 'a 'Roo Brew waitin' for me in there." Sniper looked past Scout and Spy, seeing the others sadly look at each other. "What's buggin' 'em?" Spy lit himself a new cigarette. "It seems that the Scout has raised everyone's spirits with talk about a vacation, only to crush them by reminding them that Miss Pauling would never allow it. Impressive, I must say." Scout rubbed the back of his neck. "I...uh...gotta go." Scout exited the dining hall through the other door.

Scout paced in his room, thinking about how he was going to convince Miss Pauling to let them go on vacation. "Miss Pauling, We'd like a word...nah, too formal. Hey, Pauling! Nah, she'd prably hit me for sayin' it like dat." He opened his top dresser Drawer and pulled out a notepad and pencil. He quietly repeated some phrases to himself and wrote a few down. "Ah, to hell with it." He tossed the pad aside and picked up the phone. He slowly dialed the number, fingers trembling with each spin of the dial thing. As he heard the ringing, he cleared his throat hoping Miss Pauling wouldn't be able to smell his breath through the phone. Suddenly, a loud click broke the pattern of ringing. "Hey, Scout. What's up?" She sounded pretty casual. Was she working? "Heya, Miss Pauling. I-uh-Whatcha doin'?" Scout heard some faucet noises on the other end of the line. "Nothing much, it's been a slow day from the ceasefire. No bodies to burn, no blood to mop, the most I've done today is wash this plate." Scout liked the sound of that, thinking maybe they had a chance at getting that sweet vacation trip. "How are you doing?" Scout swallowed and spoke into the phone. "It's been pretty borin' here at 2fort, and we've been...uh...thinkin'..." Scout was trying to find a way to say it politely. "Uh oh, that can't end well." Miss Pauling joked. "Heh Heh Heh..." Scout chuckled awkwardly back. "Listen, uh...me and da guys are wonderin'...is it OK if we...uh..." Scout was practically choking on his own words. "Scout?" Miss Pauling asked. "Yeah, I'm...we wanted to know if we could...uh...go on a...vacation?" There was a silence after Scout said that, sweat dripped down his brow. "Well, the Administrator left with Saxton Hale to some business meeting, so I'm sure she wouldn't mind if we left our posts while the shutdown's on...OK, you guys can go. In fact, I could use a vacation too. Breaking skulls like this can really do a number on a girl's back. " Scout couldn't believe his ears. "Uh, yeah. Thanks." "Don't worry about it." and just like that, the call was over. "Real smooth, Scout." Scout looked at himself in his mirror, smiling and flexing.

Scout broke the news to the others, who were obviously ecstatic about it. However, it was night at the time, so they decided to get ready to leave then, and get going in the morning. It was around five o clock when Soldier began blaring a trumpet to wake everyone up. "Alright, ladies! If we are going to experience the glory of America's majesty, we are going to leave NOW! Pack you belongings, women and children first!" Scout pulled a suitcase out from under his bed and began filling it with a few of his different cosmetics, some bonk and mad milk, and some money just in case. He decided to wear "flip-flops" and his "Aloha Apparel". He left his dufflebag in his room and carried his suitcase out near the bridge. Also there were Engie, who was also wearing an "Aloha Apparel", along with a "Last Straw" and "Teddy Roosebelt". He held a metal suitcase in hand while looking at Pyro's pamphlet. Pyro stood beside him, hopping in excitement as he held a flowery travel bag. He wore his backpack broiler, "hot huaraches", and "cranial carcharodon". Medic and heavy stood near the chain-link fence, Heavy carrying both of their black bags. Heavy wore his "Heavy Tourism", with a "Toss-proof towel" around his shoulders and "aqua flops" on his feet. Medic wore a "Doc's holiday" with a "Pocket Heavy" and Archimedes perched on his shoulder. They were having a conversation with Sniper on how they would split up the Mercs in two different cars. They discussed how it would be by class, but Heavy refused to be separated from Medic. Sniper was sitting in the driver's seat of his van, talking to them through the window with his head and an arm out. Sniper wore a "Bushman's boonie" and a "Koala compact". Soldier and Demo were talking to each other jokingly as they exited 2fort's premises through a loading door that Mann CO. trucks usually deliver their ammo from. They wore clothes no one's seen before, soldier in a blue shirt, brown shorts and sandals, Demo wearing the same, except his shirt was in red. Scout followed the other Mercs as they filed out of 2fort.


	3. Chapter 3- Embarking

Author's Note:

Sorry for describing their cosmetics so much, I just wanted to be accurate. There should be less of that in the next chapter. Also, I'm going to add Spy's accent to the chapters.

The Mercs stood before two vehicles. One was Sniper's van, and the other was a strange blue RV. Solder opened the door and took a step in before turning around to look at them. "Soldier, where'd ya get dat RV from?" Scout asked as he scratched the back of his neck. Soldier grinned widely. "I commandeered this vessel here from the BLU team! And I do know that this is in fact a RV and not an actually a vessel! I drove it into a lake to be sure!" Scout was about to protest Soldier's decisions as well as be mildly confused by them when he heard a familiar voice behind him. "Scout!"

It was Miss Pauling, dressed in her standard purple clothing and holding her trademark phone up to her ear. Scout was very surprised to see her. "Miss Pauling! I-um. You came!" He tried to sound less excited, not wanting to seem too obvious. "Of course, dummy. I could use the rest and relaxation too. Besides, only an idiot would leave you guys unsupervised. " As Sniper opened his van's door, getting his pant leg caught in the door for a who're moment, Soldier began barking orders to all the Mercs. "Since we do NOT all fit within one vehicle, trust me I tried to cram bodies in here to test it, I have decided that we will be split between these two. Now YOU scum suckers will decide which of you will go in which vehicle, no offense to Miss Pauling. I will drive this RV, while Sniper drives his van, so it will be...uh...FIVE in each vehicle. So! Which maggot will go where?" Scout looked at Miss Pauling, obviously wanting her to go with him. He noticed that Heavy and Medic were already inside Sniper's van, and Engie and Pyro had not yet decided. Spy was nowhere to be seen, presumably not wanting to take part in this. Demo clearly wanted to go with Soldier, bringing a crate of beers with his luggage into the RV as Soldier chuckled. Scout finally decided to ask Miss Pauling to come with him. "'Ey Miss Pauling, you wanna maybe ride with me?" Scout could feel the sweat from his hands soaking into the sports tape around his palms. He pulled them off and tucked them into his pocket, Hoping Miss Pauling wouldn't notice. "Yeah, OK." She said nonchalantly. As they Mercs loaded up their belongings, Spy uncloaking before them.

"Spy? I tought you weren't gonna come with us." Scout asked. Spy walked up to the RV, revealing a very fancy suitcase. "Vell, it zeems zat I'm far too accustomed to your noise to stay here alone. Ze silence is driving me crazy." He placed his suitcase in the RV, trying to not look so excited to finally be seeing some culture outside of the badlands. Soon it was settled. Scout, Pauling, Spy, Soldier and Demo would go in the RV, and Sniper, Heavy, Medic, Engie and Pyro would go in Sniper's van. Sniper and Soldier discussed the road trip route, showing each other locations on their map. Soon, they had everything planned out. They packed up their suitcases and boarded the RV and van.

Soon, the gates opened, and the vehicles left 2fort. They left the town of Teufort and set off to the first landmark on the map. Their first stop would be a strange national park. It was home to the great american whistling trees, or at least a metal re-creation of them. It turned out the real ones were destroyed some time ago, and replaced with these. In fact, everything shown in the brochure Scout was reading looked pretty fake. The mountains looked like painted metal cutouts. The fake disolays seemed decently made, much better than the Decoy Soldier built, but they were still obviously fake. "Uhh, Soldier?" Scout asked Soldier as he tapped his finger on the table he was sitting by, "I hate ta tell ya dis, but I tink dat da park you wanna go to might be...uh...fake?" Soldier grit his teeth. "Don't you DARE call America's beauty fake! It's the realest natural park in this damn country!" Scout just rolled his eyes. He turned to the seat beside him, seeing Miss Pauling on her phone, talking to someone. Scout sighed, tapping his finger on the table once again. "Uh...Miss Pauling?" He asked quietly. She didn't seem to even notice him. Scout didn't like how Miss Pauling decided to bring work with her. This was supposed to be a vacation after all. He worked up all the confidence he could muster, before repeating himself louder in a more tone. " 'Ey, Miss Pauling! Wat'cha doin' dere?" Miss Pauling looked up, giving Scout the "One moment" finger up as she finished her call. "Yeah, I have to go. Just dip the skulls in the sulfur sollution. Bye." As she hung up, she turned to him and placed her phone in her pocket. "What's up?" She asked.

"You know, this is supposed to be a vacation. Shouldn't ya be...ya know...relaxin' instead 'a bringing work with ya?" Miss Pauling just gave Scout a puzzled look. "Uh, I AM relaxing." She said with a slight smile. "I'm usually out digging shallow graves after fire fights or filing reports on performances. This is the most relaxing day I've had in a long time." She said as her smile widened a bit. "Are you serious?" Scout asked, showing her the stops on their map. "We're gonna go to all dese great places to relax and have fun, and you call dat relaxing?" Miss Pauling just shrugged.


	4. Chapter 4- on the road

The RV rumbled In place, kicking up dust. It seemed to be having some sort if engine trouble. Scout tapped his finger on the table before him, sitting in his seat impatiently. It would be some time before Soldier would be able to get the RV's waterlogged engine started. In the seat across from his sat Miss Pauling, who was busy writing something. There were a lot of big words on the paper, so there was no way Scout could tell what she was writing about. Probably something boring and work-related.

Scout slumped down in his seat, looking out the window. Outside stood Engie, Heavy, and Medic, using buckets to get the water out from under the hood. Engie whacked the smoking, sputtering engine with his wrench, shouting something at the others. With the other mercenaries outside trying to stop the soaked engine from somehow catching fire, Scout found himself all alone in the RV with Miss Pauling.

"So, uh..." Scout quietly stammered, trying to start up a conversation. "This is your first vacation, huh?" Scout asked, trying his hardest to look cool. Miss Pauling momentarily looked up from her work, looking at Scout with a raised eyebrow. "You think the Administrator would give me a break? My last "vacation" Miss Pauling said with airquotes "was when I had was when I had to go down to South New Mexico to take care of some witnesses. I was just an intern then..." Miss Pauling reminisced to herself, holding her book to her chest. Scout was dumbfounded. Miss Pauling had really never taked a break?" His thought was interupted by the sound of Soldier kicking the RV's door open. "Good news!" He said, his fists on his hips. His shirt was scorched, oil stains speckled on it like bullet wounds. He held a thick pipe in his fist. "We managed to defeat the engine, and now the RV has been repaired!" His helmet suddenly burst into flames. Soldier stepped in, pouring a glass of water on his head. "Everybody aboard, men! The road trip begins now!"

Soon the RV was moving, bellowing smoke from the exhaust. 2fort slowly disappeared under the horizon in the distance, and the morning sky became brighter. Sniper's van followed closely behind, kicking up rubble from the dirt road as it drove along. Inside Spiner's van, Pyro looked out the back window while bouncing in her seat in excitement. Engie sat beside him, looking out the back as well. He smiled, putting his hand on Pyro's shoulder. "First time out of the base, little fella?" He asked. Pyro nodded, resting his head on his gloved hands as he leaned on the seat. He was amazed to see the plants and animals out in the fields as they passed by. He had never seen anything like them before, and one could only imagine what Pyro interpreted it all as through his Pyrovision. He tapped on the glass, rubbing his finger on a bug that had splattered on the window outside.

Heavy was trying his hardest to concentrate on his map. The occasional bump from the van was not enough to disturb him from his work, but what did was Sniper and Medic's conversation on the proper defenses against Jarate that had become a heated debate. "I'm tellin' ya, there's no way an ubercharge can stop Jarate from hittin' it's target." Sniper said, "Ask any Sniper, they'll tell ya'!" Heavy found it hard to focus on his studies with the two arguing, so he moved over to the back with Engineer and Pyro. He put his notebook on the small table, writing down the different types of sandwiches that he would encounter. He had drawn images of the typed he had heard of, and planned to create discriptions of the taste beside them. He chuckled to himself, imagining the flavors.

Meanwhile on the RV, Soldier and Demoman were laughing in the front seats, Soldier occasionally taking his hands off of the steering wheel as he did. Scout sat near the back, pretending to be reading a pamphlet. In reality, he was watching Miss Pauling work. He didn't like Miss Pauling spending vacation time doing paperwork. As Scout watched, he heard a voice behind him. "So, what do you plan on doing?" Spy asked, taking a puff from his cigarette. "Uh, what are ya talkin' about?" Scout asked, startled by Spy's sudden appearance. "You clearly aren't satisfied with the way things are going. Perhaps if you talked to her, you could get her to finally enjoy herself." Scout was dumbstruck. "S-spy, how did you know...?" Spy simply smiled, relaxing in his seat. "You're not very subtle. Also, you talk while you sleep." Scout turned his attention away from Spy and towards Miss Pauling. He wasn't sure if he was ready to just go and talk to Miss Pauling. He was about to open his mouth and say something when Demoman started shouting.

"Lads!" He bellowed loudly. "And lassie, we've made it to our first stop!" The doors of the RV creaked open, and the cool air wooshed in. The sky was a glowing white, completely overcast. Soldier got out of his seat, a wide smile on his face. "Behold! The great American whistling trees!" Soldier shouted. Before them stood a large redwood, the top riddled with what appeared to be bullet holes. The entire forest seemed to be in the same state. Bullet hole-ridden trees. The wind blew through these holes, making a somber tone echo through the woods. A few of these trees appeared to be man-made, being obviously made of ugly scrap metal painted to look like trees. Leaves were nailed to the fake tree's "branches", which were made of pipes and metal rods. The mountain range in the background, which was advertised to be a large, cascading formation with waterfalls, was made of wood and metal, with plenty of forced perspective and illusions to make it appear larger than it was. "Wow, it looks just like the brochure!" Soldier said.


End file.
